Mummy at the School Gate

January is bleak at the best of times…only now it’s bleaker than I ever thought possible. I wonder how I’m going to get through this awful, horrific time. I know I will, but I don’t want to. Words aren’t enough to express my thoughts. I veer between black humour and absolute fear. My beautiful husband passed away on Jan 1st. We’d never been a fan of New Years, and now he’s really made sure I’ll never celebrate another!  It’s not how I thought I’d react. People have been so kind, want to spend time with me yet I just want them to leave me alone. “Do you have people to support you” is something that’s now often asked. I have loads, yet I don’t want anyone else near me. I know when my mum lost Dad, she needed to be surrounded with everyone. I don’t want anyone. Mostly everyone gets on my nerves and I think I’m only trying to make them feel better.  I’m fine.  I’m ok.  I’m good.  I’m not. I told him, I’d kill myself. I’d lay down and never get up. He wouldn’t know what to say. It’s not tha

Last night I heard that someone had passed away. It was someone I didn't know, but it was someone I knew well. I'd meet up with her most nights. We'd shoot the breeze, she'd make me laugh. We thought we had all the time in the world. She'd fight with me to get the first round in. We'd never had that first round. I promised I'd buy us lunch. We thought it would be inevitable that we'd meet.  I'd laughed and said that she would probably hate me on sight. She said she probably would. We'd argue and spar, but we'd always leave each other on a witty note. I never took offence. She never took offence. We found the ridiculous funny, and we'd find compassion in tragedy. Her insults were a joy. My insults couldn't match hers. Her kindness and sensitivity when help was needed. She knew when to draw the line in the sand. She was unafraid and brave. She was a friend because she understood, never judged and was always there. She reached out

How many times over the past year have a shielded my kids from that inevitable fact?  The one where we're all going to suffer the same fate and die?  Is it fair to shroud it mystery?  Is it fair for the subject to be taboo?  In this household we've suffered our fair share of family deaths and the kids know that some people and animals die before their time. They've been given the "nice" story, the one that says everyone who dies goes to a nicer place where the sun always shines and everyone is good and no one is horrible.  The animals meet their owners, brothers meet sisters, families look after each other....and everyone is happy.  That's good, because it gives them something to believe in and stops them having nightmares....and it stops the awkward questions that I have no answer to. "Mummy, where do the tigers go?" "Mummy, does the bad man go there too?" "Mummy, will they be able to take their favourite toys?" "Mum